now or later

It has been a very busy week for me last week. I need some vacation..Please.. Ya ampun..

On Saturday, had a registration day for my MBA. I am back as a student, again! Hope that Allah will blessed me with all the good things that I can have in my study. Please give me good health and spaces for me to balance my work and study. Went to register with my friends, both of them are studying MBA also. One is my student and one is my undergrad's friend. My student quickly offers her help to find a girl for me. Haha.. 

Student : Cik..Cik...tgk yg tu..ok tak? cantik..pakai tudung,putih..nak tak?

Me : (senyum)..ok..amik la..g la ngorat dia utk saya..boleh?

Student : ngok la cik ni..

We : laugh together...

She's among the student who always spend times with me, gossiping most of the times :) So,we kinda close and that's why she could jokes about it. After finished the registration process, head back home.

Later that evening, went back to my hometown. Bad thing is my little sister are already on her way back to UKM. So, dont have time to catch things up with her. I cant sleep all the time like I used to when traveling by bus as I had to take care of my bag. Some cash for opening my company's account. That's the reason I went back to hometown. Business matter. Arrived around 12am and after that straight to bed.

Next sunday morning I just spend my time with my family and stay home. Visit my grandpa and massage him and talks a little. He's not the same person he was. Now, he could only lie down and just staring or sometime chatting with us. Ya Allah, please have mercy on him.. Later that afternoon, my friend from Motorola came to our house. My brother is a freelance photographer and did my friend's wedding photography. Catch up all the things I missed in Motorola and met also with his wife. I knew them both, so it was not so awkward talking to his wife. Luckily he get married, even at the age of 30 :) hope mine will be sooner than him..hehe

On Monday, went to HSBC Alor Setar to set up company's account. No wonder it is an international bank. Their service was excellent. Not like other bank. RM10,000 min to open up account. I just put RM10,250 (no money as the cars not yet arrive in Port Klang). Hoping that my business will be successful later. Later that evening, had some talk with my dad. And I was quite shy of it.

Ayah : Bang teh macam mana la ni?

me : macam mana ayah? macam biasa la

ayah : tak..macam mana calon?jumpa dah ka?kalau dak,ayah nak cari lagi.

me : haha.ingat apa.macam dulu la.takdak lagi berkenan kat hati.tgk la nnt.

ayah : tak pa la.tgk tu tgk la.nak cari tak?bukan ayah suruh cari perempuan,ayah suruh cari ISTERI.

me : isteri tu bukan perempuan ka ayah ? (laugh)

ayah : isk..main2 pulak. end.

It's not that I dont understand him. But, I just want to have enough money first. And, I waited if there's another kind of si gadis out there. The one who could show that she care more of Allah than other people. The one who could ask me to perform prayer first before other things when going out together. 

p/s : can i put it in Mudah website? vacancy for future wife..haha

thursday evening

Around 530pm,went to Pak Li with few friends. As I have not yet perform my Asar prayer,quickly go to the prayer room. After perform my 'wudhuk', get ready to pray.

Suddenly, there goes the "It's all about you songs" by McFly on my phone. There's a call from an unsaved number. Thinking it was one of my clients/friends, I answered it. 

Girl : Assalamualaikum awak.

Me : Waalaikumsalam..Sapa ni eyh? Maaf,tak save ur number.

Girl : Cuba awak teka..Dah lupa saya eyh? (gelak2 kecil)

Me : (thinking hard who the real caller is and i quickly recognized the laugh).. jap2,rasanya cam kenal..pelat utara,gelak2 camtu..haaa..kenal dah..awak ni xxxx tu kan?

Girl : owh..ingat lagi eyh?bagus2..awak,sihat ke?lama tak dengar kan?

me : yeah..mmg lama..dalam 3-4 tahun kan?awak apa khabar?tetiba call ni,ada apa2 ke? (smiling to myself remembering our first time meeting each other)

girl : awak..saya nak ajak awak ni..awak leh tak datang kenuri saya 18hb ni di Penang?

Me : wahh...da lama tak contact tiba2 ajak kenuri kawin ni?siapa awak punya bakal suami?

and she told me her story..dia akan berkahwin dengan seorang duda.and I was like,what??? it surprised me like,REALLY??and asked her,about her decision.and she said that the bachelor that she met all are scumbags,loser and heart-breaker. that's the reason for her marriage. it was like a drama for me. A girl lose hope with all the singles and lastly turn to a widower. She said that she thought of me before accepting the guy's proposal but she was afraid and embarrassed to call me and get in touch. She did broke my heart before. But, I am over it long time ago as it's long time ago,3years already. 

We kept talking for nearly 40mins and told me about how unsure she is of the marriage but there's no turning back. Later that night, I saw her online and kept telling her on how she should accepted the guy with all her heart and my wish for her marriage would be a success. I meant every single words of advice that I said to her, with all my heart. And, there's a line from her that shocked me..she wrote that :

SAYA TETAP SAYANG AWAK..

I appreciated her thoughts but just kept wishing her happiness in her decision. Its no turning point for her. She might just live happily and take care of her future life.

The word of "Saya Tetap Sayang Awak" do surprised me and it kept me thinking for a few minutes. I got few things I learned from my chat with her ;

1) appreciate the people who loves u

2) dont be afraid to express your love

3) just leave back what ever past as past, life goes on. appreciate the memory that you used to have

There goes my day..

But, also got something that angers me. My agent said that there's a miscommunication of the Mercedes C200K and they bought me the 1.8L engine instead of the 2.0L engine. I was so mad at first as this thing shouldn't be happening as 1.8L engine won't give me big profits. After 30mins, I called him and said that I would just accepted the C200K and go on with the small profits rather than no profits at all. Maybe only RM15k - RM20k if I am lucky to get. It sure is not a good business deal. The profit margin of the other car,C240 also not big. But, I will accept every profit that I could get,rather than no profit.

A4 paper sample also received and will meet the buyer this weekend. Let's hope that we'll have a deal. If the deal is on, I would have roughly USD2500 per container and might get RM330k in the future deal (40 containers). Pray for my success.

Packed with busy schedule.. Going to Kelantan later (havent decided the date) to met Fith, asking for his time to teach me Forex (he made USD48k in past 8days).. Going to Indonesia if the deal is on with the A4 paper.. Registering for MBA on 18th Dec.. Going back hometown (no date yet)..

Oh my future wife, where are u? Are you out there somewhere? SMS me dear.. but,how do she sms me when I dont know who she is :)

p/s : haven't contacted with si gadis for quite some times..is she happy now? :)

dunia..cinta..segalanya..

so busy with life..so busy with business preparation..so busy with proposal (matchmaking)..

1) i have no time not even for myself..urusan duniawi ja banyaknya..mudah2an tak jadi lalai dan lupa Allah..

2) malu pada diri sendiri..doa2 sesudah solat masih dalam proses nak hafal..layakkah aku jadi imam pada bakal isteriku dan anak2 aku?terangkanlah hati hamba Mu ini ya Allah..

3) took ayish to Alamanda and spend time with him..jalan2 and bawa ke McD lagi..kebetulan dekat  dengan MPH,masuk tgk2 apa yang ada.he wants Ben 10's book but none found..so,instead i bought for myself,tafsir al-quran,sbb harga murah and also percubaan nak paham apa la selama ni dok baca dalam solat..ya Allah,terangkan hatiku..

4) ayah and mak da kalut2 tanya about my status.and I would say it's because of me? Previously, I was hoping that they would pray that Si gadis will accept my proposal,but she found someone else.And since then, I am not talking about girl(s) with them again. Sorry ayah and mak,nanti2 ada la tu.. I am working my way there

5) Ayah did asked me to meet this girl, a doctor from Hospital Sultanah Bahiyah. Called me few times and keep asking to meet her. Did met her and just respecting my dad. Cakap kat ayah yang I felt nothing special when I look into her eyes. Back home, talked with my grandma that night. She asked me, how's the meeting. I said, "Ntah la Tok,takdak rasa apa".. She replied, "kalau betui dia tu jodoh kita,kita tgk dia rasa senang,suka..kalau takdak rasa tu,jangan".. I just smiled and thanked her for the advice.

6) Yesterday Ayah called me and said that he found another candidate, a teacher. I dont know who she is and ayah did asked for my email to send her picture. So high tech of my dad.hehe. And, received it. She looks like a real muslimah to me. Tudung labuh and tutup dada. Ciri2 yang payah nak jumpa,kecuali seorang kawan aku yang dari sekolah lagi, Adeq. Tahniah!

6) My grandpa da sakit2 teruk. cant manage himself and ayah brought him to leave together with us. So sad, he is just like a child. Menangis if datang lambat time dia panggil. But, dia masih ingat ayat2 Quran, wish that I could be like him. Ya Allah, jgn lah kau uji dia dengan sakit. Ringan sakit dia dan bagilah dia mati dengan senang jika sudah sampai ajalnya.

7) Business is still in progress

     a) car -- Mercedes C240 already shipped,AP applied and just waiting to arrive at port klang. Mercedes C200K yet to wait for shipping document.

     b) paper -- contacted my partner in Indonesia and asking for samples. wait for samples to arrive and show to client. If client happy, will proceed with agreement and order. InsyaAllah.

     c) online business -- sangat sibuk dan belum berkesempatan mahu beli bahan jualan. maybe next week will go with my partner. Pray for our success.

8) Please pray that I'll succeed in life and akhirat.

Ya Allah, murahkanlah rezeki ku.buka kanlah pintu2 rezeki Mu seluas-luasnya pada diriku dan keluarga ku. jika jauh,dekatkanlah. jika haram,halalkanlah. jika di dalam bumi,keluarkan lah. Ya Allah, Kau temukanlah jodoh yang terbaik pada ku. Percepatkanlah jodoh ku ya Allah. Selamatkan lah aku,keluarga ku,ibu bapaku, kawan2 ku dan semua umat Islam dunia dan akhirat. Amin..

is it too hard??

Doa (done)
Solat hajat mohon tenang hati (done)
Try to go out with others (done)
Smile always (done)
Not thinking of past (done)

All DONE..In order to forget about her.And I think I can accept the fact already, but we people tend to think someone when we are alone. When we are about to sleep, when we wake up, when alone and some other times. Aku dah ikhlas kan hati, and happy for her. Tapi, the memories remains. Untuk kenangan :)
Mak dan ayah ada tanya tentang aku and my relationship. I just said I am okay and tell them when the times comes, I wont keep it a secret from them. Last week my sister in law try to introduce me to a doctor in Kedah. But,it just aint my luck or time yet. She did mentioned that the said doctor may be a bit busy and wont have time to reply my msg or call.
I did my responsibility by sms-ed her and just 4 sms we did have. She did called me also but I already slept that time. So, I return the call later but no answer since then. Maybe its just not my time yet. :)
Pray that I'll be successful later in my future relationship like all..

Dear Allah, please bless my life..Amin ya rabbal alamin..

p/s : 3months time for me to transforms my life, my body and my economy.. Pray for me all.. :)

imagine

6am : wake up - pray together

630am : breakfast together (will cook together/help her/serve her sometimes)

7am : go to work (if already have enough capital,will have a boutique and restaurant)

5pm : get back home ( tea time)

501pm : give her present that I bought without her knowledge (card@flower@choc@kiss on the cheek)

530pm : rest time..tea time and talk about our day

7pm - 830pm : to mosque

845pm : went back home or cook or outside dinner

930pm : TV time..just the two of us.

hehe..that should be the typical thing which may happen if I am married.. BUt,not the same schedule and rules..sometimes maybe a surprise will help to add sparks to our life..hey, i started to imagine this thing out..

hurm,planned is before Eid (Aidilfitri) next year, I will be marrying my future wife. whoever she is. :)

hati..

life's a bit busy lately..office and side income.. Zaid, a young businessman which now became my friend, always tell me the opportunity of business that he has thru his company. Got two things that need to be settle

1) A4 paper -- chance to supply A4 paper to Abu Dhabi. Managed to get a funder and also supplier to this project. Waiting for agreement signing. Planned to take USD0.20 per ream (2millions reams per month)..Estimated to have USD400,000 per month after contract signed. Praying hard that wont be any problems afterwards. Waiting for signing contract and later go to Indonesia for factory visit. InsyaAllah..Please pray for me.

2) Sime Darby -- still negotiating for the terms and if satisfied, will put some money (RM50k) for investment.

3) Car - Mercedes C200K and C240 already bought. Will be shipped to Malaysia next week, InsyaAllah.

p/s : pray that I'll be success in everything I did, insyaAllah.

Back to topic, Hati..My friend asked me, sure you are single? She didn't believe it as before I am always with women. Maybe it's now my turn to feel the pain caused by love. If I could remember, not less than 15 women I have been with (so called love and scandal). Before, before I know how true love felt like. Before my heart opened by a simple word JOM SOLAT.

None of the women I dated before, asked me to do pious thing(s). Never. The usual words are SHOPPING, DATING, CINEMA etc. Thats it. I think thats why things didn't work out for my previous relationships.

school, diploma, degree = easy relationships

now = no longer searching for the kind of relationships I had before.

Its true that once you are already changed, things changes too. I tend to look for somebody that is beautiful inside and outside, not just physically attractive like previous relationships. Please pray that I will be like this, no longer fooling around with women's love, no longer being the person who only pray when having problems, the person I used to be should remain HISTORY.

Ya Allah, tetapkan hati ku pada Mu. Limpahkan ku nikmat rezeki yang melimpah ruah dan keberkatan dari rezeki itu. Ampunilah dosa2 ku,dosa ibu bapa ku, keluarga ku, kawan2 ku, dan semua saudara2 seislam ku. Cepatkanlah jodoh ku dan temukanlah ku dengan jodoh terbaik dari Mu. Amin ya rabbal alamin.

:)

Cinta, karya indah Sang Pencipta, Dimulakan di syurga, Dirasukkan dalam jiwa Adam dan Hawa, Lalu dipinak-pinakkan dalam setiap jiwa dengan kadar yang berbeza.. :)

its true..sangat sangat betul :)

hurm,my weekend was quite okay. Went to my eldest bro's home and spend my time with my sweet Ayish. "pak teh,pak teh..lari cepat..hantu dekat belakang tu" was the first word that greets me when Ayish saw me coming. Put my things and kiss him few times. How can I stop kissing this adorable kid?

Next day, I promised him to bring him to Alamanda. So, he was at his best mood and just follow whatever I said. So, at 5pm we went to Alamanda together with my younger sis, Kak Yah. Took Ayish to game arcade and just give him the token and said, today you can play anything you want. Surprisingly that he's not interested with the kid's game. Want to play soccer game,car racing and all sorts of teenage's game. "Alamak,dah mati lah pulak.. Nak main yang lain pulak la Pak Teh"..he said that everytime its game over. :)

Later on the way back home,he said that.." Pak Teh,nak KFC"..even I dont prefer fast food, but I'll make an exception for him.. Chicky meal for him, snack plate for me and X-meal combo for kak yah.. Ayish ate all that and even asked for my mashed potato.. dared him to take the chilli sauce and he did. hehe. :)

After KFC, time to go back home and sent kak yah to UKM..

quote of the day

Don't leave the one you love for the one you like because the one you like will leave you for the one they love

So true right?Hehe..Not in the sad state of emotions anymore but just want to share my thoughts. I certainly agrees with this quote. We tend to forget all the good things that someone that we love before or care for when we met somebody that we like. Make it his/her attitude/looks/money/car etc.

I did and done with this. During my "zaman jahiliyah" @ campus life, I can't remember how many times I did. Men attracted with girls who have her good side plus with a bad side also. Kinda mix of both attitude. It sure is an adventure for we men. Let say you already have a girlfriend or claim to be a girlfriend, you do love her but, when she's not around, you are easily attracted to someone else. A girl walking in the evening with her jogging outfit or sexier than yours, certainly will trigger the switch in your head. I mean the real head, up above. You tend to have her number, flirting around. And, bye2 miss girlfriend for that time. You would claim that you are single. :)

And I did before. But, now no more. There will be a time that your wisdom will take its place and not the emotions. You'll realize your age,your future,vision and all sort of things never been think of before. So, love the person that love you and appreciate them as once they found somebody they like or adore, it sure is a BYE2 for you.

So, done with the philosophy. As for my daily life, last night got two more potential customer. If they agrees to buy that mercedes and BMW, RM50,000 minimum will be mine. Pray to Allah for that all the blessing and oppurtunity that He given me. Alhamdulillah. Waiting for 2 Merce to arrive here in Malaysia in another 2 months (C200K and C240). Pray that everything run smoothly.

And also yesterday we had an open house session for my office. It was like, eat,eat,eat and eat some more. It was fun though if I neglected the person who did scold me in front of 5 people with no reason who had been invited by my boss. I can still remember this lecturer's word as he said to me " WHO ARE YOU TO ASK FOR MY PAPER? WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE?" . Back then, I was just asking for his paper like my boss said and already introduced myself as an OFFICER. The way that he treat me like I was kinda low-class people. Wish that I wont treat anybody like that in my life.

so,there goes my boring life yesterday. :) Is there anymore Si Gadis out there?

Ikhlas kan hati

My day as single guy starts today. Learnt on how to just let go. Let go of Si Gadis, let go of my love for a while and let go of all the sorrows.

My little sister (kak yah) chatted with me on Facebook today. Said that his Abang Teh need to chill out and not changing a bit like I used to be. I am 26 with a funny attitude and happy go lucky guy. Never been down and just make people smile with my silly jokes and acts. I will sis, you can count on me. Maybe she want me to stay single so that I can be her banker whenever she asked me to go shopping with her? :) that's my little sis.. But one thing I am quite sad is when kak yah said that mom was excited before and quite sad when she knows that its not working out for me. I am sorry mom! Later, when there is somebody who I care and love, I will make you happy again. But, nobody blames Si Gadis as it's not her fault. Please don't feel guilty Si Gadis. :)

Also today I did msg Si Gadis's mom and said that I am taking all of this as a matured man and hope that she still okay with me and the silaturrahim (bonding) that we had will remains. She quite surprised that I can still be happy and think positively. Aunty, there's nothing much to do when it comes to heart matters, i replied. It's all Allah's decision and fated. Who knows what will happen in the future. Right? She also did mentioned on her wish for me to be a good man and success in whatever I do in the future. Lastly, said that I am sorry if I am being too open about my intention and said that I just respect her right as Si Gadis's mom and she deserve to know if I am going to do anything. Alhamdulillah, aunty is okay and still called me "nak" (son). Praise to Allah.

As for my work life, quite busy today as few students come and asked for my help. They are quite scared with their FYP (Final Year Project) and did asked for my help and opinion. Happy to help them as I used to face the same problems before back in student's life. Good luck guys, you guys have my support. :)

Hello world..give me a reason to smile..

and finally

And finally..last night I got my answer. It's a NO.hehehe.. serve me right.

Sms her last night and after a few sms, she said that she's sorry that she can't accept it.

Typical answers like I am too good for her and so on.. But, it's okay. Accept it as a man.

The truth is that she already have a guy that she love. That's the ONLY reason. If she said it during the first time I met her, it will be okay. So, I won't hoping more than just a friend.

I can still remember when I asked her for the very first time.. "Awak ngan sape skang ni?da de ngan sape2 or still single?"..and she replied "I am still single and malas dah nak pikir2 bab lelaki"..lebih kurang macam tu la reply nya..

So, that's the only thing that I regretted. If you are attached to somebody, please just say it. Not by denying it at the first place. A friend is better happy than a guy hurt in the process of knowing you.

But, there are few things that I am grateful since the day I met her;

1) she made me closer to Allah by just saying JOM SOLAT to me. From that day onwards, Alhamdulillah I am not simply neglecting my prayer.

2) she made me to appreciate girl better. Before I would just flirt around and have a few girls at the same time to hang out,flirting and keeping myself not boring.

3) she made me cry. In a good way I mean. I never cried during my pray and asking for Allah's help, I felt so little compared to what Allah's power can change somebody's heart

4) She made me closer to my parent. I never tell my parent before about things like girl,feeling or love. And last week I did told my parent of my proposal to her and they are shocked. SHOCKED that their once stubborn and rebellious son changed and willing to share my problem with them.

5) she made me to be more passionate of changing myself to be a better person. I am starting to have my own saving (already enough to have my own wedding), pursuing my master (MBA) and my business is on a good track. Hoping for hundreds thousand of profit next year.Alhamdulillah,praise to Allah.

6) she made me know how to be sincere then you are truly in love. Did say to her that I am hoping that she found her happiness and that guy will make her happy the way I imagined myself making her happy in my sms to her last night. And I really meant it as her happiness is all i want even I am not in the picture.

7) she made me a romantic person? I never bought a gift i.e. gold ring to any girl before. I never bought a girl roses for our date. I never bring a girl for her birthday celebration;a table for two set with a view of KL city from up above,birthday song played when all the focus on our table with the waitress singing birthday song together with the rest of restaurant crew and some disco light. The way I imagined it in my head, thanks to the novel.

8) before I knew her, I am just enjoying the flirting part in the process of knowing a girl. But, now no more. Bye2 all that flirting scene.

9) she made me to be who I am this moment. A guy who wants to be better in all aspect (relationship,career,financial,emotions and etc.)

10) thanks Si Gadis and Alhamdulillah that Allah gave me this chance.

And the worst part of my decision only one thing only;

I need to reply back to my dad as yesterday he did called me whether he can go there and do all those proposal for me. I just said that I don't know whether she accept or not. So, today I will inform him that just forget about all those thing for time being and maybe later,InsyaAllah.

Just pray that I will found another version of Si Gadis that will love me the way I love her. And also pray that Si Gadis will be happy with her choice and have a happy life ahead. You have my prayer for sure.

And the journey continues.

Song of the day: FEELINGS by Morris Albert, click here

the biggest step

Setelah lama diam dan masing2 sibuk dengan hal kerja,akhirnya aku tergerak hati nak sms si gadis. I thought I am over her,but I can't lie to myself. A simple sms asking her health and wishing her good morning.

My sms later was replied and she said that need me to online on night time that day. She asked me to accompany her to her friend's wedding. You should guess how I would react right? I am pleased,delighted,happy and straightly said yes.

The suffering of not meeting her for almost 5 months would come to an end. Saturday morning, went to Putrajaya and fetch her. If only I not yet sell my Mercedes,won't it be great? But, it's not the car, its the person that sits beside me is the most important thing for me.

We went to Alamanda first and bought "E" (her newly weds friend) a gift. I enjoy that moment. I really do. As I could talk to her and see her face when she don't look at me. How I wish she knows how much I care for her and love her.

Finished shopping, straightly went to Dewan Permata at Petronas's Training Institute for the ceremony. Meet her friend(s) and don't let go of my eyes for her. Takes a few pics with the couples and enjoys our meals. The food was great but she's the greatest.

Before leaving the ceremony, again meet the newly weds couple and wish them, we took picture too. How I wish that was my big day with her. On the way back I asked her whether she wants to meet my lovely Ayish, my eldest bro's son. And she said, YES. I am surprised, a good surprise it is. Went to Bukit Mahkota and see that my sister also went to my bro's house. I thought only me and my bro's family. But there it was, my eldest bro, my youngest sister and my sister.

My family was quite surprised as I never bring any girl to meet them as that's the sign that I truly into that girl. Introduce her to my family and me straightly went to perform my Zohor prayer. I prayed for Allah's blessing so that her heart would open for me. Finished praying, came out and meet all of them. I was a bit surprised that she mix well with them. Main attraction for that day is Ayish and Amani (my sis's daughter). We laughed at them and their jokes. What a pleasant day it was.

After few hour(s), it's time to send her home. Not the moment I was waiting for. But, it's time anyway. On the way back, I asked her a few things, realtionship and marriage. She's a bit open and not avoiding the topic as usual. She said that the time she planned maybe next year,end of the year. We talked about the hantaran and all sorts of things related.

I also asked her if there's somebody with enough money, want to propose to her earlier than next year, would she accept? She just smiled at me and said don't know. I also told her that I am truly into her. And only she just answer with her smile. Later, we arrived at her home and said goodbye. She also mentioned not to forget to text her sms.

Sent few sms and there goes my few days. Later on Monday, I saw her mother was online at Facebook and just greet her and sent her a msg to her inbox. She asked how I am doing and why didn't I came to her house for Hari Raya celebration. Also told her that we went to Si Gadis's friend's wedding. Her mother asked me when will that be my day? I answered her that I am waiting for her daughter's permission. And she said that I should try and talk to her daughter, as she don't objects it. I am so happy that she gave her permission.

Later, on Tuesday I chatted with Si Gadis's youngest sister and after few minutes, I told her sister to ask her mother that will it be okay if I sent my family to merisik/propose her daughter. She said that the decision is on Si Gadis's hand and will accept it if Si Gadis agreed. I told her that the date is 10.10.10.

Straightly sms Si Gadis and told her that thing. I also told her my wish to propose/merisik her. She said that she need time to perform Isthikharah first. I agreed as that's the best way.

Last night, was the night that I felt so small in front of Allah. Performed my Maghrib prayer and straightly Solat Hajat. I was shed in tears and cried when I am praying for Allah's help the moment I perform my solat hajat. The tears was so sudden and I would say that is the longest time of sujud I ever had. I cried and cried during my praying. Felt so small in front of Allah and need His help. Twice I perform my solat hajat and twice I did cried.

Amazingly, I felt so relieved after that. Like all my problems were gone. Went out for dinner and went to bank-in money that I promised to my mother for some kenduri of my brother taking his PMR soon. Back home, I cant believed what I did.

I SMSed my dad and told her that I proposed to a girl that I like and asked my parents to help perform solat hajat so that maybe with Allah's will, Si Gadis will accept me. And, smsed him all the things that she needs to know about this very special girl,how she changed me,why i chose her and her name.

THIS IS SOMETHING THAT I WONT TALK WITH MY PARENTS BEFORE, EVEN WHEN I WAS IN RELATIONSHIP FEW YEARS BACK. I SURE PUT ALL MY EGO AND TOLD THEM THIS. IT TOOK ME GREAT COURAGE TO DO THIS.

And as expected, my dad called later but I dont dare to answer it as it's not something normal to me to share my feeling towards a girl for my 26 years of life as their son. I know that only now they understand why I never showed any interest before when they gave hint for me to get married. I am sure that I am the only one in my family asked their help to pray for me when it comes to this proposed matter. Maybe they are proud of this, but I not dare to talk to them yet.

Again, this morning perform my Subuh and Solat hajat. Hope that everything is gonna be alright.

Please pray for me.

antara rezeki dan jodoh

jodoh belum datang barangkali..

rezeki semakin murah..Alhamdulillah..

ya Allah,Kau bukakanlah semua pintu rahmat dan rezeki Mu pada hamba Mu ini..Murahkanlah rezeki ku dan permudahkan segala urusan ku di dunia dan akhirat..percepatkanlah jodoh ku..amin..

July 25th

Weekend again..

watching TV and doing nothing.. :)

that's it

day 89..just be happy si gadis..

HOPE - WHO AM I TO SAY

Love of my life, my soulmate
You're my best friend
Part of me like breathing
Now half of me is left

Don't know anything at all
Who am I to say you love me
I don't know anything at all
And who am I to say you need me

Color me blue I'm lost in you
Don't know why I'm still waiting
Many moons have come and gone
Don't know why I'm still searching

Don't know anything at all
And who am I to say you love me
I don't know anything at all
And who am I to say you need me

Hmmm hmmm mmm
Uhhh oohhh aahhh
Hooo aahhh ohh ohhh

Now you're a song I love to sing
Never thought it feels so free
Now I know what's meant to be
And that's okay with me

But who am I to say you love me
And who am I to say you need me
And who am I to say you love me

Mmmm hmmm

I don't know anything at all
And who am I to say you love me
I don't know anything at all
And who am I to say you need me
I don't know anything at all

I don't know anything at all
I don't know anything at all
I don't know anything at all

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Rz6tKoK4j98

what a day

day 83,

nothing happened today. I don't sms her and let her have her time. A time to think just as she wants it. And as for me, a time to just miss her and think about her. Went out tonight with nothing to do in my mind. Except than thinking about si gadis. Stop by at 7Eleven and bought a Big Gulp drinks. Then, head to Shah Alam's Lake (section 7) and just sit there by myself. And thinking all of my past. How have she changed me and completely turns me to be a better man. Alhamdulillah. Maybe aku dah mula ikhlaskan hati ni.

A few couples were there and I just ignored them as I am already in my own world. I admit that I am not strong and I would just see her pics that I saved in my PDA. I never missed of looking at her pics and would just pray for the time to come. Even if she's not for me, I pray that she'll be happy and no harms will happen to her. Just let she smiles all the time as her smile is the one that I adore, besides than her lovely heart.

Ya Allah,bagi lah dia ingatkan aku seperti mana aku tak pernah lupakan dia.

Wujudkan lah detik di hatinya menyebut nama ku.

Hadirkan lah kasih dan sayang dalam dirinya buat ku.

Amin ya Rabbal Alamin

pahit

Quote from movie Juno :

The best thing you can do is find a person who love you for exactly what you are. Good mood,bad mood,ugly,pretty. Handsome what have you? The right person is still gonna think the sun shines out of your ass. That's the kind of person that's worth sticking for.

True right?

Hurm..today si gadis online ym.But..you could knew it. Just ask about how's she doing and apologize if I disturb her by any means. And that's it. Nothing more or less. Hope that she's doing fine.

Usaha sudah, doa pun sudah..hanya tinggal tawakal.

pada suatu hari

day 78..

nothing much to do..so gadis should be on her way to hospital tomorrow and maybe busy packing her things..

i know the hospital but just wish her that she'll be fine..

aku nak jadi ikhlas..tolonglah aku ya Allah..tolong hamba Mu ini..

si gadis, take a good care of yourself and I'll never forget my prayer to you..

get well soon

my baby..so cute

day 77..

nothing much to do today..except that I came across to this one amazing website. It is kinda amazing what they developed. It is basically a program that will show us the face of your child. It will mix up your face and your partner face and finally...WALAAAAA..your future child's face are ready.hehe..

Add my face and si gadis face..comey gak ye?hikhik..

who knows right? From what I could say, the eye are mine, the cheek is si gadis, the hair also hers and the chin is mine. ya ya..lips belongs to si gadis also.

so cute..I would love my child more than anything else (once I get married later,insyaAllah)..

entry ni da macam entry gadis2 kan? :P

p/s : penulis memohon maaf atas sifat perasan dan kegedikan yang melampau!

word for me from my friend

kadang2 juga, yg paling sukar utk dimiliki tulah yg mungkin jodoh kita

maybe... :) what ever it is, just think positive and ikhlas kan hati

Some Pip by Parokya ni Edgar

Some people love shoes of certain kinds
Some people love afternoons or the way the moon shines
And they have their own reasons
To feel the way they do
That's why I ask myself, what is it with you?

Is there something wrong
With the way I speak?
You don't even see me
When I pass you on the street
I'll close my eyes and let it be
Because I just can't see
Why you love to hate me

Some people love weekends
Beacause they can fool around
Some people love thunderstorms
Because of how the drops of rain fall down
And they have their own reasons
Whatever they may be
That's why I think it's kind of funny
That you don't have one for me

And it sucks to face the truth
That I ain't got no reasons too
Whenever asked the simple question
Why I feel the way I do
And I know it's stupid on my part
to say that I love you
Even though I know you hate me
And you don't know why you do.

Day 76..

A song that caught my attention. The lyrics are well written. As the singer keep asking his love what's the reason of not liking him.. And I think this also can be use to my case?

I don't know what's wrong with me. Last night, I went dinner all by myself as my friends working. And after dinner, relax for a while and make new friend. With a girl, pretty and attractive. But, her beauty for me is nothing as I don't have that spark in my heart. I just talk with her and don't even have the intention of asking her number. As for now, I am not myself anymore and am not the person that all my friends used to know me.

I learnt my lesson. I appreciate people more. ""Let us be friend,normal friend"" .. and the line keep running inside my head..It was one of si gadis's sms before. I am trying to be a normal friend. A normal friend that only contact friend once in a while.

This weekend she's coming back to KL for her consultation with her doctor. Just wish that she's okay and get well soon. take care of yourself si gadis.

Also my friend did advised me to socialize back like I used to before during lunch yesterday. And I just smile at him and said " I dont need all of that now as I dont want to be the same person I used to be before"..

Ya Allah,ikhlaskan lah hatiku pada Mu dan pada dia..Amin ya Rabbal - Alamin

bahagia seketika

day 71-73 i am at morib..attending teambuilding programme. never miss to sms her. if day 70 is my happy day, day 71-73 seems like the day 1 - day 69.. she's no longer the girl i met on day 70..

as usual i sms her few times during my teambuilding, but no sms. I took the initiative to ask her, if there's anything wrong with my sms. A simple answer I received after that. Simple but painful. She replied " xxxx rasa rimas hantar2 msg tu semua" .. :) serve me right..seems like my good night wish and good morning greetings or maybe my curiosity of her health makes her feel uncomfortable. i am too caring i guess.

Like a torn in my heart, I took it positively. As I do admit that I am not the best or maybe I am too caring of expressing my feeling to her.

To make things right, I did sms her later that I wont make her uncomfortable with my frequent sms in the future and plead that we just have a short conversation on the phone as regular friend, with no feelings involve and I also make her a deal, If I ever mention about my feeling later when I called her, she can do what ever she want. And I did sms her twice mentioning the same thing, just to talk to her everyday for 2-3minutes and no feelings whatsoever. But, still no reply from day 72 till day 74 today.

Am I being the guy who is expecting too much from a girl that I fell in love with?

Or I am just not her choice?If so,I would still want to befriend her. I dont know whether my wish is granted or not. She's still in my mind and my heart.everyday and every seconds I never stop thinking of a girl who is so special to me.

Should I gave her some space?I did before and still??

Or should I be a nice guy and not bugging her?

alhamdulillah

June 10th @ day 70th..

today perhaps the most interesting day for me..

hari ni cuti and decided to go and visit si gadis..

bertolak dari shah alam ke seri iskandar about 915am..

sampai plak around 110pm..

bought her strawberry and mango..

and for her family pizza+lasagna+cabonara spagetti..

sampai2 kat umah,her mama ajak makan tengahari..

heaven tol..da la g umah,makan tengahari,jumpa si gadis..

if only I could enjoy this for the rest of my life..

if only I could stop time..

it was a very interesting day..get to know her mom,lil sis and her brother..

i also talked with her..what a day..

am so happy...

thanks Allah..thanks si gadis..

I am really enjoying the day..

Ya Allah..bagilah dia menjadi milikku.mudahkan lah urusan ku.bagilah dia sayang aku,rindu aku,cinta aku dan sentiasa teringatkan aku. Aminn

:)

day 67..

i can start to smile a bit..last night I finally have the chance to sms si gadis a few sms.

and I decided to give si gadis a visit later.

finally I have a chance to see her.

I am missing her indeed..

now just need to decide when to go,but certainly not this weekend as I need to attend team building in Morib..

ya Allah,bukakanlah hatinya pada ku,bagi lah dia ingat aku,rindu aku,sayang aku,kasih aku dan ingatkan aku sentiasa.

Amin ya Rabbal Alamin

:(

last night, hantar sms minta si gadis beri peluang jumpa even for the last time,so leh tau apa yang dia pikir ttg aku. and also sebab nak bagi peluang pada dua2 pihak.she can know how serious I am and also then I can also know who exactly I am to her.

I waited for the whole night and don't get any answer. So,today morning (day 62) I resent again and to my surprise, she is at the hospital for her treatment.

And I was really shocked. No wonder she have no time for me. And she replied that please pray for her. I did. And will always do.

After a few sms, I am still not comfortable of not being able to be there with her. Luckily she have somebody to look after her. Hopefully somebody of her family not some guy.

Lets pray for her health.

I did something silly today. I called HKL and checked whether she's admitted yet but the personnel said that she'll only be in the system if she got admitted after the operation.

I don't know whether she is in HKL or somewhere else.

Stupid of me.

Ya Allah,please give her health and all the happiness in this world.

day 61

hurm..today is not like 2days ago..

if two days ago i managed to chat to her,today nope.

i miss her.but,i just assume that she's busy working.

is okay..

it's been a while since we last met,

did you ever missed me?if not much,a little would do.but,i miss u so much.

i always hope that you are doing well and fine. every seconds and minutes.

i want you to be happy.

i am not a loser.

i am a lover.

a lover who really want to laugh with you,share all the best moments @ sad ones with you..

end up, I am here all alone..thinking of you every moments.

Thanks for giving me the reasons to keep trying to win your heart..

even i don't know what is the ending.

i really miss u

little smiles

bangun je pagi,terus solat subuh n doa apa yang patut.

not to forget,my prayer to her.the same line,the same feelings and the same name.

i really miss her a lot.

so,i sms her "morning,miss u".

a simple sms wont harm,right?

as usual i know that she wont reply me,and it is okay as long as she knows that i am still feeling the same way for her.

and today i added her little sister in FB. and I chatted with her and I could say that her little sister did help me to know more about her family.

thanks to her.

and I also did chat with si gadis dalam FB. a short time but worth it.

day 58 and counting. i really miss u si gadis

is it

day 57 and I was on silent mode for the past 4days..

and I think I have to start accepting the fact that she have no intention of sms@contacting me.

maybe I am just not good for her.maybe..ya Allah,if this is the test for your servant,I am accepting it willingly. I never been hurt like this before. Never been ignored like this before.

Last night I tried to forget all the things about you but I guess I am not strong enough to do so.

I went to Serdang,went to Shah Alam for the sake of keeping myself busy and forgetting you. But, I can't do it. I am such a loser.

I know that there's a saying "If you love somebody,let them go. If they come back to you,it is real love. If not,just forget about it".

That's what I am trying to do. She said that she needs time. I have given her time and space. And I will just wait whether I am her lifetime partner.

Am I being too selfish by thinking of wanting some commitment?

Ya Allah, please open her heart for me, let her think of me, remember me, care for me, love me like I always do for her.

diam

day 54 and 55..

ariel just diam je..and give you the time that you needed..

no sms,no calls and no on9..

as maybe you deserve it..a time without my stupid sms...

thanks Allah for giving me the strength and will to overcome my feeling..

i miss her but i must learn to give space to people.

ya Allah,bukakanlah pintu hati nya pada ku,bagilah dia rindu aku,sayang aku,kasih aku,cinta aku dan sentiasa ingatkan aku..satukanlah kami berdua..aminn

sengaja or tidak?

today is day 53.

Ariel kat umah abg hari ni.then,bangun pagi terus teringat somebody.somebody yang ntah ingatkan ariel or tidak.so,I just try my luck to call her.using my bro's fixed line phone. And, I was surprised to hear your voice. A voice that I miss so much. A very short yet keeps me smiling all day long. Crazy right? I am the only person feeling it I guess while her feeling towards me not yet confirmed.

Am I crazy?Yup, I am crazy for you.

Dear, if you could just feel the same way as I am feeling, I wonder what would happen.

Dear Allah, please let her falls for me, remember me, love me, care for me and not forgetting me as I really love her.

wedding day

today is day 52..

arini i attended Na's wedding..cousin aku yang rapat ngan aku..

happy tgk orang dah kawin..wish that she's here..

hurm,how could i ever imagine it?she don't even remember me I guess?

Am I hoping too much?

Ya Allah,tolonglah hamba mu ini ya Allah

khutbah

today is day 51..

hari jumaat and as usual kena pergi ke masjid utk solat..

there's a very interesting point I got from the khutbah, tidak akan datang kiamat itu sehingga nisbah lelaki kepada perempuan ialah 1:50.. sekarang nisbah lelaki kepada permpuan is 1:20 if not mistaken..tak lama ag akan datang lah 1:50 tu..

dah tak lama nak kiamat,and mungkin si gadis memang nak aku tunggu sampai tu baru nak beri peluang pada aku..entah lah..ya Allah,kuatkan lah hatiku untuk dugaan ini..

i really miss u

50th day

today is the 50th day since I last met you girl..Hope that i'll live a day shorter than you so that I wont be sad when you are no longer by my side. I miss you dear!!

time needed

setelah terasa hati dengan si dia,aku berdiam diri selama dua hari.

today is that 2nd day.

tadi time tgh kuar dengan housemate,tetiba dapat message dari si gadis.

I need sometime to breathe...masa yang dia pinta..

ya,akan ku berikan dia masa..ambil lah seberapa masa yang kau perlukan wahai gadis..

bismillahi,wallahi,lillahi watallahi..tak pernah aku lupakan kau dalam doa2 ku..

tak pernah aku lupakan kau dalam hari2 ku.

ya Allah..berikanlah dia kesihatan yang baik dan temukanlah jiwa kami berdua ya Allah.

aku sesungguhnya amat sayang padanya..

amin ya rabbal alamin.

bukakan lah pintu hati nya pada ku, bagilah dia sentiasa teringatkan aku, wujudkanlah perasaan kasih dan sayang nya pada aku, semaikanlah benih cinta dalam hatinya pada aku..sesungguhnya aku ikhlas pada mu xxxx ..

maybe

semalam dapat call si gadis..

si gadis angkat call and cakap about 20seconds jer..

even it is just a few seconds,but it meant a lot for me.

but,she was rushing for her dinner that time and asked me to call her later.

I did called but,as usual,no answer.

Last night was truly a very sad night for me.

Maybe she have her own reasons. Or maybe is that she don't want to talk to me?

Ya Allah,tabahkan hatiku.

Maybe aku ni terlalu buruk pada pandangan mata dia.

Maybe aku ni seperti desperate pada pandangan mata dia.

Maybe I am too emotional in all this?

Salah kah aku meluahkan rasa apa yang aku rasa? NF,if you could just feel the same way as I feel now, would you still be the same and ignore me?

Ya Allah,mudahkan urusan ku,bukakan hatinya untuk ku,bagilah dia sayang aku,rindu aku,cinta aku dan teringatkan aku seperti mana dia aku selalu ingatkan.

Amin ya rabbal alamin

sebabnya

ada enam sebab manusia menangis iaitu kegembiraan,kesakitan,penyesalan,kepiluan,ketakutan dan tindak balas alergi..ini fakta yang I just read..hurm,if its true,I think I have 5 out of 6 reasons..

1) kegembiraan - gembira dapat peluang nak berubah jadi lebih baik dan gembirakan hati mak ayah..gembira sebab de peluang kenal dengan si gadis..gembira sebab masih punya waktu untuk berfikir kesalahan dan kekurangan diri..gembira untuk melihat si gadis gembira

2) kesakitan - sakit apabila rasa diri tak di endahkan..sakit bila rasa my feelings for her macam tak dihargai..sakit mengenangkan layanan dingin..sakit untuk fikir aku belum cukup ikhlas sayang dan kasih pada nya tanpa ikhlas kan kebahagiaannya..sakit jika memikirkan dia bersama orang lain..sakit tanggung rindu..

3) penyesalan - aku menyesal kerana mungkin bukan aku yang terbaik untuk nya..sesal kerana aku tak mampu gembirakannya..sesal kerana aku tak bersama nya di hospital..

4) kepiluan - pilu bila malam sebelum tidur,aku tak pernah lupa berdoa pada Allah supaya dilembutkan hatinya..pilu kerana rasa diri tak layak baginya..

5) ketakutan - aku takut untuk kehilangan dirinya.. aku takut untuk dengar dia cakap dia sudah ada yang lain..aku takut kehilangan dirimu wahai si gadis

mata

dari mata jatuh ke hati...milik siapakah mata ini?

silence

nothing special for today..

hanya tgk2 pic dia kat laptop jer..

yeah..i miss her..but,i'll just keep it to myself..

sometimes,people tend to ignore when somebody cares for them..but,when that somebody already away,only then they'll realize it..

nekad ku hari ni,tak nak sms or contact dia langsung..

pedih tapi biar je..

semua ni rahmat Allah :)

Ya Allah,buka kan pintu hatinya pada ku,bagilah dia sayang aku,rindu aku,kasih aku,cinta aku dan selalu teringatkan aku.. Amin..

:P

now i know why she not replying my sms..she's off to some seminar and were out of office..no wonder..hope that she's doing fine even that i wish she had even some time of her precious 24hours per day for me..i can't force her..and i wont do that..

lets see whether my heart could still handle all of this..

it hurts to see how that someone you think of all the time and care seems like ignoring you and your feelings..it's funny though i dont think of this kind of things before way back before when i was in any relationship(s).

I promise that I wont be mean and hurt anybody else who care for me.

silence hurts..

feelings by morris alberts

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vMx5p627f6I

FEELINGS  

Feelings, 

nothing more than feelings,

 trying to forget my feelings of love.

 Teardrops rolling down on my face,

 trying to forget my feelings of love.       

 Feelings, for all my life I'll feel it.       

I wish I've never met you, girl; you'll never come again.       

 Feelings, wo-o-o feelings,       

wo-o-o, feel you again in my arms.  

Feelings, feelings like I've never lost you 

and feelings like I've never have you again in my heart.      

  Feelings, for all my life I'll feel it.       

I wish I've never met you, girl; you'll never come again.  

Feelings, feelings like I've never lost you 

and feelings like I've never have you again in my life.      

  Feelings, wo-o-o feelings,       

wo-o-o, feelings again in my arms.     

  Feelings...(repeat & fade)                         

    - Morris Albert